Monday, May 23, 2011

I Got one billion questions but a b***h aint one!

Q - Is one billion Naira too little or too much to spend on President Jonathan's inauguration?

By gholly, this question really got me kolomental. For starters, word on the street was that it was 5 billion Naira but it has since dropped to 1 billion ($6.66 million). Before we look at the number, lets sit back for a second and analyze shall we?

On the one hand, i believe roughly $7 million (factoring diesel and 400k for egunje) is not much atall for an inauguration. This is factoring logistics, equipments (which trust naija will have to be bought bcos everything currently on ground is "bad" already anyways). Ghen, ghen. I'm sure that statement can get me killed. Plix, let me land o abeg!

DID YOU KNOW that in 2003, it cost the US over $40 million for George bush's inauguration (this is minus security costs though ... Word on the street pegs Obama's inauguration at a whopping $160 million albeit slightly inflated and including security. Aiight, assume it was inflated by $60 million and lets say it costs $100 million for Obama. 100 - 7 = 93 (if you don't know this math, you should be hung in kirikiri). That's $93 million dollars more than GEJ (14 billion naira). Mind you, the yanks already have top notch equipments sitting there.

Lets continue our analysis for a second. I like to tell you a story. One day like this, pastor (Pope) said "oya, make i go jand (UK) chillax for a few days (4 to be precise)". How much did it cost the brits? A whopping 12 million pounds ($19 million dollars) []. I know i didn't watch it, but i don't think the pope had shepe or palm wine or some elaborate party. Neither did he dance to 9ice or MI music. Or did he? hmmmm... "Archbishop na enjoyment, pope na miliky.. suffering and smiling" - Fela

Anyways from those cases, i believe i have convinced you that the price tag is nothing (or in other words, its reasonable or cheap in comparison). I do believe regular maintenance of whatever location he intends to use and our dilapidated media outfits (NTA and the like) would gulp that much money annually anyways (this speculative at best but judging from the $7 million price on maintaining the Abuja stadium, its not far fetched).

I do believe the right question is "is this is a smart political move?". Yes, Nigerians are known to do things big but the average Nigerian will see that number and cringe. PDP is loosing ground and if you intend to guarantee some kind of continuity, isn't it in your best interest to show us that you have at least looked at cost saving measures. What in the world are your advisers doing?

The right question is "Is it necessary?". Its your inauguration and the people voted you in. IF we insist that it costs too much, are you [GEJ] willing to forfeit the glits and glamour for something alot less elaborate?

Well as the name of my post goes, looks like all of Nigeria have this question on our minds. My only hope is that a bitch not being one of those questions isn't because all the "bitches" are asking that same question? Harsh words I know. Permit me to rephrase. What do you intend to do about it?

Anyways, we all have our opinions about this issue. Kolomental has put his 2 cents. Off to take my meds.


P.S. The folks at yaba left have graciously built me a nice ward. Exciting!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Road less travelled or maybe not! (You Decide) - A true Story

Almost 400 views later, i don't know if i have twitter to thank or the fact that I know alot of horny boys. Yeah, so my post about Breast Cancer resulted in feedback, comments etc but this particular reaction does not have twitter to thank but BBM (Haha, yes, i still hate blackberry, i mean dislike but ey, kids hate broccoli, that doesn't mean its not beneficial). I believe this lady took the road less traveled. I say this because the average Nigerian woman diagnosed late takes the popular route; Death. I can only wish you read and learn from this.

I'll stop here and have you read for yourself. Hope you learn something like I did.

'May your road be rough...' these are the famous words of Dr. Tai Solarin. I heard these words for the first time sometime in secondary, but no one; absolutely no one could have prepared me for the intense roughness of the roads I was to face.

My name is Jasmine, Jasmine Alade. I am a pretty, sensible, upwardly mobile almost 22-year old. Everything was seemingly perfect until like my last year in university (3 years ago). Prior to that time, my mum had been falling ill with different symptoms, but we didn’t take it seriously.

I remember that day very vividly. I had just got back the results of my Industrial Biochemistry test and I was in the celebratory mode because I came out tops as usual. Anyways, my phone rang, it was my mum. I didn’t pick the call because I wanted to call her back. So I waited till about 6pm and rang her up.

‘Jasmine, how soon can you come home?’ rolling my eyes, I said ‘mum, I know you miss me, but I have exams in 2 weeks, I need to read’. ‘it’s urgent’, she said. ‘okay I’ll come tomorrow, but just for a few hours’. Little did I know that that was the beginning of the roughness of my road.

Uncle John, our driver came to get me from school around 8am the next day and he drove me straight to the hospital. I thought nothing about it, I thought maybe my mum was in the hospital to visit someone, or he wanted to run a quick errand. It was when he said ‘jasmine, your mum is in room g1 of the private wing’ that I realized what was happening. My mum was in the hospital.

Immediately I walked in and introduced myself as Jasmine her daughter, the doctor was summoned. That was when he took me to his office and told me my mum had been diagnosed with early stage cervical cancer. She would need cryotherapy and chemotherapy. I took the news in stride, and somehow my mum made it through a series of gruelling chemotherapy.

Fast forward 2 years after this, I was winding up my NYSC. I had noticed some pain around my breast region. So I took a self-exam (it was routine for me). I found three lumps. 2 in the right, 1 in the left. I panicked, but luckily I worked with a hospital at the time. The very next day, I got an appointment with a surgeon. I was referred to oncology. That was when I knew something was very wrong.

After several physical examinations by different surgeons, I was sent for a mammography, you see they were confused. I was only 21, they couldn’t understand how I would have a cancerous lump in my breasts. The results came back, they weren’t satisfied, and so they did a biopsy.

I had to take two biopsies, because they just couldn’t believe it. After several meetings, they decided to come out with it. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The next few months were especially from hell from me. First I had surgery to take out the benign lump in my left breast and then the cancerous lumps in the right one.

Then came chemotherapy. I do not wish chemotherapy on my enemy’s enemy. I cut all my hair off before it could fall out. I told my friends I was going natural. I couldn’t tell them I had cancer. I don’t know why, but I didn’t need anybody’s sympathy. I still do not need it, and that’s why I’m using an alias. My friends just knew I went underground for a while, lost some weight and cut my hair. Nobody knows what I went through.

I wrote this because I need people to know that cancer is real, and nobody is too young. Do all you can do to prevent a scenario like mine. I was lucky to have detected it early. Imagine if I had to lose my breasts at this age.

Vaccines for cervical cancer are available in Nigeria, get every female you know to go and get it. It’s a bit expensive, but some places offer it at subsidized rates. Donate, if you can, to organizations like BRECAN, Pink Pearl and Bloom who are working actively to reduce the spread of this disease. I was lucky, but people die every day from the disease.

There you have it. I would so love to spill the beans on this ladies identity but i have sworn not to tell (With the hope of conducting a BSE on her one day.... hehe. Aiight, I kid I kid). Sorry guys! But a major lesson learn't that wasn't mentioned is that if there is a history of cancer in your family, your chances of getting cancer went up through the roof. Think about it.

Here is to hoping you take the road less traveled.

Till next time, the boob doctor has left the building.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

BSE: Breast Smooching examination – Why its Needed!

Today, I witnessed a level of giving that I would dare say rivals the famous followers of Christ our pastors tell us to epitomize in the book of acts. Of cause the fact that our pastors spot private jets now begs the question “Is Christianity a do as I say, not as I do religion?” But that is a story for another day. Anyways, this selfless inclination to give stemmed from the cry of a young man in university 8hrs from me down in Texas. Apparently, his mum came to the US to visit and took the opportunity to get a routine hospital checkup. Then Sméagol hit the fan (pardon my French but Sméagol is my replacement for the S word). His mum was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and it will cost a back breaking $60,000 to do the operation.

I happen to know one or two things about breast cancer but you need not know rocket science to understand that stage 3 is greater than stage 2 or 1, in other words, this is not some take out a small piece of the woman’s boobs stuff. It’s that off with his head, I mean her boobs Sméagol. Medical Jargon calls this process mastectomy but I figure I put it into perspective. [The fundraising effort is still ongoing so I implore you all to please, biko, ejo donate and save her life. The website is]

Stage 3 breast cancer is characterized by the cancer growing in the lymph nodes around the breast and/or skin. Oh thank God I’m taking a class and I’m working on a project involving the lymphatic system as I type this (yes, mixed priorities but it is what it is). Nonetheless, the lymphatic system is the body’s auxiliary defense system. It’s your body’s sewer system and the sewage treatment plant. In other words if cancerous cells metastasize, its straight up chemotherapy and the odds of surviving that just went down the drain ( you gerrit? Down the drain? Into the sewer? No?). Using the same sewer treatment plant analogy; Cancerous cells are like some alien being that your sewer system cannot detect or kill. So it enters the sewer system (your lymphatics) goes into the treatment facilities (lymph nodes etc), into your water supply (circulatory system/blood stream) and has a field day spreading (metastasizing) like wild fire into your city (your other organs). The only way to take it out is to take out the contaminated piping and treatment facility. This is where the off with her boobs comes into play.

I’m sure I have bored you with all that medical jargon, I’m an engineer for Christ sake, I have bored myself too, but I needed to put it into perspective because one would wonder, how did it get this far? When you hit the higher stages, the signs should be there. They say the breast feels warm or swollen in some cases. In others cases, you should be able to feel an enlarged tumor. You could also notice reddening of the breast. It’s a serious question and I’m sure many of you are wondering, but its rhetorical for me. Why? My mum went through the same thing over a decade ago, resulting in a mastectomy. I joked on twitter not too long ago that if I was who I am now, I would have to ask her "wait mummy, daddy had two hands though. hmm, there is only one to press". But I’m sure in hindsight, I would ask the same question as you, why did it get this far?

This assertion leads me to the topic of my maiden blog post (took me forever I know, I’m sorry I like to beat about the bush). Currently there is a process called breast self examination (BSE) to assist in early detection. I don’t want to make this any longer so I’ll beseech you (ladies especially) to visit for tutorials and printable files on how to do your BSE. In summary, it has a lot to do with rubbing your boobies, , but should that be the only way? I have heard stories of women touching themselves, heck I can’t lie and say I haven’t indulged in a session of porn or two. Okay I lied, maybe more than 2 but don’t judge me. Nonetheless, I believe its fact that men do more touching than women. Men are most infatuated with the curvaceous nature of a woman’s oranges (water melons exist but we can discuss cup sizes later). We know men long to hold them or just watch them bounce around like Springys, returning to their previous state every time. Oh the blessings of God. Can I get an Amen? I’m sure some dudes out there are saying they prefer booty to boobs but like the pastor story, we’ll deal with that later.

Now, why men? I mean we have these facts, so why can’t there be a method of training men to learn about a/his woman’s breast? Why can’t breast cancer awareness campaigns, workshops etc not be equally catered to men as much as they are directed towards the women folk? I mean pink is the breast cancer color; it’s very “womancentric” for example. We touch their breasts more than they do anyways. This is why I propose Breast smooching examination. Educate men on how to spot lumps and every time they grow a third leg and are ready to explore the female anatomy, they have it at the back of their minds to spot redness or swollen regions of their woman’s God given oranges. You will be surprised at how early detection cases will sky rocket. In addition, those so called players will find a lot of pride in telling a woman or two “I’m an expert in BSE, I boast of over 10 detections. Get at me beautiful”. Its mere speculation on my part but there is so much sense in this.

Until then, women, please be on top of things regarding your body. Spread the word about breast cancer and the need to do your BSE and periodic Mammography tests. I have seen stage 4 cases and by gholly, it’s a scary sight. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for the man that will love to use both hands to caress those precious’s. Don’t leave him handicapped, he’ll love you for it.

Till next time, Off to take my meds,


Plug: So I built this website for my mum’s organization in Nigeria. It’s called Breast Cancer Association of Nigeria and its primary goal is to educate women on breast cancer. Help out by participating or donating. The site is (there is a donate link on there if you would love to help)